The thing about parenting is how it can become so all encompassing, especially if there are more than one child involved. There are so many emotions involved and so little prior experiences to draw on.
And for every emotion there are countless people who have their various opinions on how children ought to be raised. One of the more incendiary areas of child rearing involves how to get them to behave they way you want and you'd expect that most ideas have already been discussed. But as with everything else involving the human animal, this is not the case. Therefore, below are ten smart tips on how to punish your kids in ways they will respect that come from my own personal experiences.
1 - Make sure they know you mean it. When you speak to your child in a disciplinarian fashion, make sure they understand that you are not kidding around and expect obedience immediately. Expect nothing less and if you don't get it, take action.
2 - Don't let your moods control your efforts. One of the more difficult things in disciplining children is making sure you are taking action because of something they have done wrong versus something that has made you mad. It's very difficult for children to learn what is right and wrong if you behave the same ways in both circumstances.
3 - Be consistent. If you want your children to understand and respect your rules then you have to be consistent with not only the rules but the punishment that goes along with them. If you don't you run the risk of confusing your children and losing their respect, which will mean they are likely to counter your moves with their own which will result in a small war going on in your home.
4 - Listen. A good thing to get in the habit of doing early with your children is learning to listen to them, and to listen carefully. This is because there are times when children take certain actions based on reasoning, rather than as a means to circumvent your rules. It also helps to build trust in that your children will learn that even when they are wrong, they will have their day in court to try to convince you otherwise.
5 - Time out versus spanking. There are various arguments for and against spanking, as well as for less severe punishments such as having a child sit in the corner or having a time-out from taking part in certain activities. While each certainly has its advantages and disadvantages, the
idea behind both is that we want our children to learn to behave in certain ways, and use techniques we believe will work to help them get there. So, rather than focus on the particular technique used, the important thing to remember is that it needs to used in a way that will leave a definite impression on the child and thus will hopefully convince them that acting in certain ways will not be tolerated. To that end, it needs to be done in a serious and meaningful way, such that the experience is one the child will wish to avoid in the future and will learn that the way to have it that way is to avoid engaging in the illicit behavior.
6 - Incentives versus punishment. There are a lot of humanists as well as sociologists who seem to believe that the way to get animals of any species to conform to our wishes is to offer incentives to the extant that punishment is never needed. Then there are others who believe that people are such a unique animal that such primitive techniques are surely doomed to failure. The truth is, both of these arguments are actually moot when you consider that the average parent is in their own unique environment and will likely do what they learned growing up when it comes to raising their own children, and every parent uses both incentives and punishments to convince their children to behave as they want them too and children generally respond. The differences then come about as to the way each is applied and how seriously. The best approach will generally be one where each is used in a way that makes sense to the circumstance and is done with a serious and mature tone so that the child understands that it's supposed to be a learning situation.
7 - Withholding as a means of punishment. Other than signaling parental disapproval, there are really only two forms of punishment available to parents regarding children. One is to apply some form of physical action that will either inflict pain or cause discomfort. The other is to
withhold things that the child wants. The first method is pretty simple and direct and the child is likely to fully comprehend what is happening. The second is not always so clear. Revoking rights to something that is normally allowed can at times be construed as due to a variety of causes. Thus it is imperative that parents are clear about how they see the situation and why they are upset about it and then, why the child is to be punished. Also, when withholding is used as a form of punishment, parents need to be careful about using it as a means to show the child who is boss and who is subordinate. This is because when you use withholding, there is almost always a time frame involved that can seem quite random to the child and may depend on a variety of factors that are beyond his control. To make this form of punishment work, parents must follow rules too; namely, they need to specify at the time of sentencing just how long the revocation will last.
8 - Rewarding bad behavior. Parents need to keep it in their own heads that they are the ones that are supposed to be running the relationship between them and their offspring. This means not letting the child control things by screaming or crying until the parent can't stand it any longer and gives in to what the child wants. It also means not offering attention when the child misbehaves even if that attention is of the negative kind, because children will take the negative kind over none at all. In either event the outcome will be the child engaging in activities that they've learned will get them what they want. To overcome this situation, parents need to learn to stick to the punishment they dole out and to not give attention to an undeserving situation.
9 - Make sure the rules are clear. All of your efforts will come to naught if the rules and etiquette you are trying to impart to your children aren't clear. Just as with adults, the rules that they are expected to live under must be clear, concise and consistent to be fully understood and then adhered to.
10 - Bad behavior not bad kids. Finally, as with any disagreement between people, the first thing to keep in mind, always, is that you love this person and never ever want them to feel as if you don't like them because of something they've done, or that you won't if they indulge in something you don't like in the future. The other is that you always need to make the distinction between a thing a person does and a label as a personal characteristic. In short, make sure the child understands it's the behavior that you abhor, not them.
These ten smart tips on how to punish your kids are for anyone who is raising children and welcomes advice from others on topics regarding rearing children. If you are such a person, mom or dad, I hope you will take these tips as intended, as advice from one who has been there to one that is still in the throes. Good luck, and best wishes for you and your children.
this is it
13 years ago
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